God Save The Queen! And Pass The Turkey Haunch!
A Noob’s Guide To The Renaissance In The Pines
by Dean “Flap-Mouthed Lewdster” Bonzani
6-14-04
So, thou hast never been to a Renaissance fair? Why, thou elf-skinned pumpion! Thou mammering swag-bellied measle! Thou ruttish sheep-biting dewberry!
Gadzooks, but insults haven’t been this fun since Shakespeare first cast them from the stage.
The Third Annual Renaissance In The Pines is coming to the accursedly dry grounds of Fort Tuthill, and along with your sunscreen, feathered cap, and 70 ounce Camelback, you’d best bring your favorite 16th century mannerisms.
A national phenomenon of swelling proportions, renaissance fairs, or “ren faires,” or simply “Faire,” are to be found in every state of the union, including Alaska (which was purchased from a war-bankrupted Russia for $7,200,000 in 1867.)
A clever cross-pollination of good business sense and people who can’t get enough of history and role-playing theatrics, ren faires are, above and beyond everything else, fun.
Though they’re a for-profit venture by nature, Faires is really about getting together with your sword swinging, mead quaffing, lace-making friends and having a good time while the public watches, or better yet, joins in.
Set in the Shire of Stone Ridge in the year 1560, Flagstaff’s renaissance faire is an imaginative historical recreation of a village awaiting a visit from Queen Elizabeth. It should be noted that, Her Most Royal Majesty, according to court costumer Wanda Brighoff, wears a dress weighing upwards of thirty pounds, complete with surcoat, a long overgarment.
“The Queen’s costume is the hottest,” Brighoff observes. “Absolutely. She’s suffering. She may smile and look beautiful, but she’s as hot as can be in that outfit. That’s why she’s constantly being offered liquids and ice, and being fanned. She’s generally fully corsetted in an Elizabethan gown.”
The Queen and Her court are the centerpiece of any Faire, and wear accordingly elaborate and historically accurate clothing. The welcoming villagers dress accordingly, as befits their standing, craft, budget or access to seamstress friends with spare jerkins and codpieces.
Visitors to the Shire are encouraged to come in costume, preferably of the chosen period, but anything from Arizona casual to completely corsitted to faintly fantastic is fine.
“A lot of people don’t come to fair as Elizabethans,” explains Brighoff. “A lot of them come as Italians or vikings. There’s a lot of cultural mixing. You know, a lot of people don’t like being corsetted, so they come medieval. And that’s perfectly acceptable, too. A lot of it’s fantasy. A lot of people want to be fairies. We get a lot of fairies. We get a lot of Middle Eastern dancers. Fairies and belly dancers. That’s because those costumes are comfortable and almost non-existent for heat.”
While there is no formal code of dress, garbing up helps Faire-goers get in the proper spirit, and helps foster the historical ambience. If you don’t have a thirty-pound rib-crushing dress, tapestry doublet, tudor jerkin, or knee britches in your wardrobe, John M. Vinopal, dedicated Faire fan, suggests the following for a quick and easy approximation of a late 1600’s look:
Broad-brimmed hats (sunglasses are decidedly modern, and to be avoided)
Natural leather shoots, sandles or boots
Slim fitting britches, sans pockets
Natural leather vests
Blousy dresses in natural colors
Blousy shirts in natural colors
A pair of non-Elizabethan shoes can be disguised by wrapping them in rags, peasant style, (or as if you’re going to go see Yonder Mountain String Band.) Moccasins are popular with the casual attendees, and range from the roadside tourist trap moc to the custom-fitted, thick soled variety. If you’ve got a pair of thigh-high leather Puss In Boots numbers, by all means, wear them. Otherwise, a good rule of thumb is to just wear what you’d typically see on any Saturday afternoon at the natural foods store.
Allowing for the heat and sunlight is one of the recommendations of the Fair-savvy. Bring plenty of water, a mug to drink ale, mead, or water from, sunscreen, portable shade in the form of a hat, and by all means wear comfy shoes, since you’ll spend all day walking. And consider the wind as well, especially if you choose to sport a period hoop skirt.
“You have to be careful in high winds,” cautions Brighoff. “I have been caught in a full hoop skirt in a high wind, and had to anchor myself to a very large, very dense gentleman.”
Smoking is discouraged entirely, but if you must imbide, you’re asked to do it in a removed area, like the parking lot or Sedona. Also, there is the sobering spectre of forest fire to be mindful of, especially in these moisture-free times. Dark and waterless times are these, m’lords and m’ladies.
Another ever present danger at fair is that of pirates. A roguish lot, they strike a certain bawdy fear in the heaving bosums of fair maidens. They can be identified by their roving, larcenous eyes, shining like the orbs of a well-groomed rodent. It doesn’t hurt to look for large, black tri-cornered hats with a skull and crossbones boldly emblazened across the front, either. And foul-mouthed parrots are a dead giveaway.
“Beware of pirates,” warns Brighoff. “They love to steal young ladies and sell them in eastern slave markets. They’ll take anything that’s not nailed down. Actually, they’ll take that, too!”
Even with the looming threat of piracy, the Faire is a splendorous blend of feasting, festing, fighting and trinket buying. There are historical recreations of everything from blacksmithing to lace-making, games of skill and chance, a poppet play area for the larval set, a marketplace full of enthusiastic vendor hawking their wondrous wares, stage shows featuring swordplay and comedy acts, and perhaps most thrilling of all: jousting.
Oooo, baby. Actual non-lethal jousting in the pines.
Imagine a demolition derby. Now, take away the cars and racing helmets, and imagine a tightly-knit company of devilishly handsome and physically well-tuned adventure seeking rakes astride raging stallions, clad in full suits of plate armor fashioned of gleaming steel.
That would be the world famous Knights of Noble Cause.
Noble Cause Productions is, according to their very funny and photo-rich website, “...a company specializing in jousting, stage combat instruction, fight choreography, and horse stunts.”
Owned and operated by Bryan Beard, aka Sir William Lord of Whitehall, Noble Cause is “...continually striving to reach new heights with breathtaking new show concepts.”
Based out of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, the Knights perform at well-known venues such as Warner Brothers/Six Flags, Lucas Stunt Spectacular (Japan), Universal Studios Amusement (China), Medieval Times Opera Company of Philadelphia, Virginia Shakespeare Festival, and countless renaissance Faires.
The Knights include a policeman officer (Rick Staton, aka Sir Richard Earl of Staton,) who divides his time between being a motorcycle/ horse patrolman, and a jouster. He’s also an expert maker of chainmail and leather goods.
Another of the dashing lance-wielders is Michael Beaman, aka Sir Michael Earl of RoSharon. A certified open water diver, Mike is a former 82nd Airborne Division paratrooper and self-proclaimed adrenaline junkie who likes to joust on the weekends.
The gallant Knights will perform spectacular feats of horse-mounted bravery. Just the sight of their splendid pageantry, livery, and chrome trim is worth showing up for.
Whether you’re on old hand at it, or a Faire noob, hitch up your bodice and set your palate for feasting at this year’s Faire in the water-starved pines. There’ll be snoods aplenty!
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The Third Annual Renaissance In The Pines, Sat., June 26th and Sun., June 27th, 10 a.m.- 6 p.m. Fort Tuthill, Flagstaff. Exit 337 off of I-17. Info at: 928-445-4158.
www.renaissanceinthepinesinc.com
www.noblecauseproductions.com
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While he won’t be performing at Flagstaff’s Faire, a must-see act at Faires like the one held in Tempe each March is Ded Bob and Smuj. You can find the hilarious website of this rude, lewd and politically shrewd skeletonized corpse at www.dedbob.com.
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Talking The Talk: A Brief Primer of Faux-Elizabethan Faire Speech
A robust gentleman or a gracious lady greets you with a hearty “Huzzah!” How do you respond? Or, Thanks to Chris Laning, you’ll at least know what the heck that tall fellow in chainmail just said to you...
Anon= later. Not to be followed by “...dude!”
Dragon Piss= homemade Gatorade concocted of lemonade and salt
Boothie= vendor or game runner
Carbon Condition= non-alarming way of indicating a fire situation (take heed!)
Fy!= dammit!
Flanders= literally, the Netherlands. Used to indicate a faraway place.
Flemish painter= camera
Hog tie= a group of the opposite sex that circles you, requiring a kiss for your release
Fairy Ring= same thing, but a couple is surrounded, and must kiss each other
In Very Sooth= really, I’m not kidding around here. As in, “In very sooth, we have a carbon condition!”
Kissing John Barleycorn= drunk
Privy= bathroom
Privy Monster=a foul beast that inhabits port-a-potties and eats small children from the bottom up.
A Pox On You!= I hope that you contract a horrible illness and die!
Traveler= a strangely dressed (non-natural foods store patron) noob
Rennie= a Faire fan who goes from Faire to Faire.
Turkey= Faire customer
Turkey With Dressing= same, but in costume.
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Insult me!
a rapscallious pirate is trying to foist your squab-kabob. How do you cry out in authentic distress? How do you berate the brigand?
For handy Shakespearean insults, the richest sort short of an angry Bulgarian cab driver’s wrathful wretchedness, check out the auto-generated insult hurler at: www.renaissanceinthepinesinc.com/fun-insults.html for some “stinging phrases of wit.”
Some of my favorites, generated at random, and suitable for hurling in traffic:
Thou toady-spotted ill-nurtured codpiece!
Thou droning flap-mouthed minnow!
Thou villainous dizzy-eyed gudgeon!
Thou surly dismal-dreaming canker-blossom!
Thou fobbing fly-bitten baggage!
...and for the guy in the gargantuan SUV that just cut you off:
Thou churlish knotty-pated beslubbering boil-brained hedge-pig!!!
Yell that one out the window of your Yugo whilst wearing hosiery and a doublet, and see what sort of looks you get!
©2004 by Dean Bonzani. All Rights Reserved.